The Mailbag I often receive letters from readers asking for advice, and some of these are published in my newsletter, CounselingWorks, P.A. Here are some of the best of those letters, along with my responses. Please feel free to write your own letter to the office if you have an issue you’d like help resolving. ~ ER Q: My wife was diagnosed with cancer two months ago. It was a terrible shock to both of us. It sounds like a cliché but it’s the truth: we never thought it would happen to us. The reason I am writing this sounds very selfish and I will find a way for her not to see this letter, but really I am not writing about her, but for myself. The truth is, I feel totally overwhelmed trying to take care of her and still work at my job. Right after her surgery she had visiting nurses but they’re long gone, and now almost all her care and all the chores are left to me. I’m so tired trying to take care of everything that I don't know what to do. We do have a lady who comes in a few hours a week to help with the cleaning but all the rest of the work, including the cooking and the shopping, is left up to me. Between the chores at home and my job and caring for my wife, I’m so tired and stressed I can't even see straight. I know I must sound terrible and selfish, and I don't mean to complain, but is there anything you can suggest which might help?A: You are not "terrible and selfish" for feeling overwhelmed and stressed, and there are some things you can do to lighten the load during this difficult time. First, seek practical support from family and friends. Enlist them to take care of some of the shopping, cooking and other household responsibilities. Many people want to help during a time of crisis, but simply don't know what they can do to be of assistance. Ask for what you need from these folks, and then let them help you. Next, make time for yourself. It is critical that you maintain your own physical and emotional strength. When was the last time you had a workout, read a novel, or engaged in a hobby for pleasure? Those activities aren't dispensable; they’re necessary for good physical and mental health. You can ask your support system to provide you with respite care for say, three hours on Saturday, so someone else can stay with your wife while you get some good self-care time. Finally, educate yourself about resources in your area which can provide you with information about caregiver support groups, respite programs and other services which will help you and your wife get through this crisis. Good luck! ~ ER Q: My daughter is fourteen years old and has been recommended to attend
counseling by her school. She doesn’t want to participate because she’s afraid I
will be told all her secrets. What should I do? Q: My 34-year-old brother was diagnosed with manic depression years ago.
He’s fine when he takes his medicine, but for the last two months he’s been
really unstable. He won't go to the doctor at all. I called the police last week and they
told me I could do an ex parte to make him see a doctor. Can you tell me more about the ex
parte process? Q: I am gay and just moved to the Elfers area from New York. I have been a
long-time member of AA and need to get connected to a strong group in this area. I’d
also really like to make some sober gay friends. What can you suggest that doesn’t
involve a long drive to Tampa or Clearwater? Q: I hope you can help me with this problem in time for Christmas. The issue has
to do with my older sister, Faith, and her 14-year-old daughter, Anna. Faith and I have
taken very different roads in life. She left home at 16 and had Anna when she was only 18.
She dropped out of high school and never got her diploma. She has spent the last 15 years
working at entry-level jobs where she rarely makes more than six or seven dollars an hour.
I do want to stress that she has always worked and supported herself and Anna. She has a
lot of pride about that, and I’m proud of her for it, too. I went a different way in
life. I finished college and then went to graduate school. I am very lucky to have a
career which I enjoy and which pays me well. I feel grateful for the abundance in my life
and want to share it with Faith and Anna, but there are problems. Faith loves me and has
respect for my success, but she doesn’t want to accept money from her "baby
brother" (I’m 30 years old, and I’m still her baby brother!) and she
doesn’t like me giving expensive gifts to Anna. Faith loves me and encourages Anna to
stay in school and look up to me as a role model. It breaks my heart when she tells Anna,
"you don’t want to end up like me." I love my sister and I love my niece.
I’m in a position to help them financially, but Faith won’t accept any money or
gifts. I know Anna would love name-brand clothing and some trendy accessories like a pager
or cell phone, but I don’t want to do anything to offend Faith. Our parents are dead
and we don’t have any other family. How can I make the holiday brighter for Anna
without offending my sister? Q: My partner of six years left me last month. I didn’t want us to break up,
and now I’m feeling sad and confused about what went wrong. I really thought we were
a happy couple. What should I do? Q: My mother, who is almost 80 years old, is still living on her own but is
having a harder and harder time managing for herself. Her vision is very bad and
she’s not eating right. She doesn’t drive anymore, so she never gets out of the
house unless I take her on a shopping trip or to a doctor’s appointment. She
doesn’t have many friends, and I think she’s lonely. She doesn’t want to
live with me and absolutely refuses to consider going into a retirement home. She’s
not forgetful or confused at all, so I can't make her move, even though I’m
really very worried about her. What can I do to help? Q: I have been diagnosed with depression and take medication to help with my
moods. The problem is that I’m having a terrible time with insomnia. I’m lucky
if I get three or four hours of sleep each night. The doctor says I can take sleeping
pills, but I’ve had a problem with addiction in the past and I don’t want to
take any medicine other than my antidepressant. Can you suggest ideas to help me get some
sleep which don’t involve medication of any kind? ~ ER Q: My partner, David, has a drinking problem. It’s affecting everything from
his job to our sex life, and I’m totally fed up. Of course, he doesn't think he has a
problem, and he gets mad every time I tell him he needs detox or a rehab program. How can
I commit him to a program and make him get the help he needs? Q: My nine-year-old daughter has always been very afraid of everything. She was in mental health therapy when she was only six because she was afraid of going to school, but after a while she got better with that. Recently her school nurse thought she had lice because she has some bald patches on her head. She doesn’t let her teacher or nurse see what she’s doing, but the truth is she yanks out her own hair by the roots at home. The nurse and I have both checked many times, and she does NOT have lice. I’ve told her to stop pulling her hair out but she says it makes her feel better. Is this a mental illness or a medical problem?A: It sounds as if your little girl may have developed Trichotillomania (Trick-ah-till-ah-mania), which is indeed a mental health problem classified as an impulse-control disorder. It used to be thought that this was quite a rare problem among children, but recent studies have suggested that it is not terribly uncommon, especially among females between the ages of five and eight years of age. As many as 2% of college students have a past history of this disorder. The good news is that Trichotillomania is often a fairly benign habit with a self-limiting course, meaning that many children stop on their own, without need for treatment. Given your daughter’s history of excessive fearfulness, however, I suspect she might have an underlying anxiety disorder which may be aggravating this condition. If your daughter chews on or eats the hair she is pulling out, she is at risk for physical problems including anemia, abdominal pain, and even bowel obstruction, so I recommend a visit to her pediatrician, who may then refer you to a counselor specializing in the treatment of overanxious and compulsive behavior in children. ~ ER Q: I have been in a relationship with a woman I’ll call "Kathy" for the past eight years. Most of that time was pretty good, although we had our share of ups and downs. Three months ago, Kathy met someone over the Internet and left me. I am devastated because I was only 20 when we got together and she was by far the most important relationship I’d ever had. I really trusted her, and then she broke my heart. She said I was too much of a homebody and she wanted someone who would go out and do things and have more fun. I’m not against fun, but I work hard at my job and when I get home at night all I really want to do is rest up for the next day. Now I’m sad all the time, I don’t want to see any of my friends, I can't concentrate, I miss Kathy and I’m afraid I’ll never trust anyone again. I know you’ll probably tell me I need counseling, but I’m afraid to do that because I don’t think I can trust a stranger enough to talk about my problems. What should I do? A: Getting your heart broken is never easy, but it’s happened to most of us at one time or another. What makes this situation particularly difficult for you is that you were very young when you and Kathy got together, so you don’t have much experience with the process of recovery after a relationship ends. It’s not uncommon for this grieving process you’re in to go on for some months. If you’re finding that you’re sad all the time, though, and isolating from friends, and having trouble concentrating at work, I do recommend that you find a counselor who can help you improve your coping skills and assist you in securing the tools you need to move on. You can find an article on how to choose the right counselor for you on my website and then click on "How to Choose a Therapist" from the column on the left side of the page. Hope this helps! ~ ER Q:
Two years ago, I fell in love with Karen, the woman of my dreams.
She was literally everything I ever wanted in a life partner and soul mate. She had an
11-year-old daughter and that was great too, since I’ve always wanted kids. But
Karen’s daughter Sherry (now thirteen years old) is a real discipline problem.
She’s rude, disrespectful and dishonest. She’s even told me she wishes I’d
move out and leave her mother and her alone "like it used to be." Whenever I try
to punish her by telling her to go to her room or cutting off her allowance, Karen gets
mad at me and takes Sherry‘s side, saying Sherry is her daughter and she’ll
discipline her the way she wants. The fact is, she doesn’t discipline Sherry at all.
It’s causing a lot of stress and conflict. It might even ruin our relationship. I
want Sherry to go live with her father in New York (he has offered to take her in the
past) but Karen won’t even talk about it. I told her that I’m going to move out
unless Sherry goes to New York. This kid is really destroying our relationship. What
should I do? Q: My partner, Phil, went to see his doctor recently because he was feeling
down in the dumps and was having trouble sleeping. The doctor put him on a medication
called fluvoxamine and referred him to counseling. The referral also said he had
"Depressive Disorder NOS." What is this medication for, and what is NOS? A: You’re obviously in an enormous amount of pain, so it is essential that you find immediate help. Go to your family doctor and show him or her this letter. Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist, which is a medical doctor who specializes in treating mental disorders. If you’re thinking seriously about killing yourself, you should be evaluated for medication which can help stabilize your mood. You also need to find a competent therapist who will help you learn to cope better with your past and current problems. A combination of medication and psychotherapy is very effective in treating major depression; you do not need to be suffering as you are. If your suicidal thoughts become overwhelming, call 849-9988, which is Pasco County’s suicide hotline. Qualified counselors are available there 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can find help. Please take the risk to reach out for it. ~ ER Q: When one becomes involved in a relationship where children are present, the adults must
come to terms with that situation. A relationship where children are present is a
"package deal" and raising the child should be done with the cooperative effort
of both adults. The introduction to the child to the "new" person should be done
gradually, so both child and adult can find common ground on which to communicate, trust,
respect and love. It is my opinion that relationships with children, where disciplinary
actions are needed, should first be discussed with the natural parent behind closed doors.
Then and only then should the appropriate discipline be given to the child… by the
mother. The purpose of doing it in this way will not only keep the adult relationship
intact, but will also allow for the child not to "take control" of that
relationship through manipulation of both adults, by playing the two against each other.
The party writing the letter, in my opinion, seemed selfish by making threats to move out,
which clearly is her power play with the lover/mother. Getting involved with someone with
children is a challenging task. The challenge can be minimized when both adults work
hand-in-hand to nurture the child, which also serves to nurture the adult relationship. Q: I was sexually molested by a family member about twenty years ago, when I was
ten. I have never confronted that person about what happened to me. Actually, I
didn’t tell anybody at all – not even my parents – about what happened. On
the outside everything looks all right with me. I go to school and work full time, and my
spouse and I get along fine. But lately, within the past few years, I have been getting
angry, angry, angry about what happened. I think about it a LOT. Sometimes when I have sex
I just feel grossed out and repulsed, even though my spouse is a considerate lover. I am
really mad about what that family member did to me. But I’m afraid to say anything to
my family. Who would believe me? It happened so long ago that if there ever was any
physical proof of what happened, it is long gone. It would be my word against this other
person’s. I guess I’m scared that people won’t believe me and I’ll end
up causing this huge family problem, so what’s the point of telling anyone anyway? I
mean, I KNOW it happened. I remember it EXACTLY; where we were, what time of day, the
whole thing. I just don’t know whether I want to dredge it all up in my family. A: If it’s a good rule of thumb never to get between a woman and her children, it stands to reason that you should never get between a woman and her dog. As the devoted "mother" of three canine best friends (including one who is also named Sam!) I’m squarely on your side. If your boyfriend is afraid of dogs, he can participate in some desensitization therapy to get over his phobia. If he’s jealous, reassure him that you have enough room in your heart for both your dog and a boyfriend. Certainly, Sam deserves – and counts on – your care and loyalty, just as he has taken care of and been loyal to you for these many years. Boyfriends tend to come and go, but a good dog will love you all the way past forever. Give Sam a cookie with my compliments, and tell the boyfriend to get over it or take a hike. ~ ER Q: My partner says she’s bored. We’ve been together for nine years – almost ten – and have been through some bad times together. We were just barely in our twenties when we got together so we were poor as dirt, for one thing. Also, I’ll tell you the truth: I had a drinking problem for a while, but I’ve been completely sober for the past two years. At first I went to counseling alone and then we went together, and we were able to hang in there with each other. Now we finally have a little money coming in because we both have pretty good jobs and I’m sober and she looks me in the eye and tells me she’s "bored" and is thinking about leaving the relationship. This really comes at a bad time for me because I’ve started a business which is doing pretty well but takes a huge amount of my attention and energy. If she wanted to leave, why didn’t she leave when everything was so hard? I just don’t get it. Please help. This really hurts a lot. A: First thing you want to look is how much time you spend together as a couple. Is she bored because you’re so involved with your business? Is she involved with the business, or is she sitting home alone while you’re working? When was the last time you took a vacation together? Walked on the beach? Made love? Disconnected the phone and had breakfast in bed? Sometimes a state of crisis is the glue that holds a relationship together. When you were going through hard times, she might have enjoyed a sense of camaraderie with you. Now that the crisis is over and you’re busy all the time with work, she may be feeling left out and not needed. There’s one sure way to find out. Ask her. Listen with an open mind to what she has to say, and then be prepared to work hard – and spend time – getting this relationship back on track. A couple of "tune-up" sessions with your couples therapist wouldn’t hurt, either. Good luck! ~ ER Q: I was recently diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease. I know I have to tell my partner but I’m afraid to do that. It happened because a while ago we were having problems together and I had a couple of one-night-stands with other people. None of those other people meant anything to me. I guess I was just angry at my partner and let my anger get the best of me. Since then, we’ve been in therapy together and have gone a long way toward repairing the relationship, but I think if I tell him about the STD he’s going to leave me. Is there any way I can get away with not saying anything to him? A: Short answer: No. Long answer: No, because you’re morally, ethically and – in some cases – legally obligated to tell a person you infected with a sexually transmitted disease that they’re now infected and/or a carrier. You have no option but to be honest. More to the point, though, why would you take the chance not to tell him? Surely you don’t want him not to know he has an illness which could have long-term health implications? Surely you want him to get treatment as quickly as possible? Surely you’re not willing to risk his health because you’re too afraid to admit what you’ve done? There’s just no way around this one. You have to step up to the plate, admit to your behavior, and provide your partner with the information he needs to obtain the necessary medical care. If he decides to end the relationship, that’s his right and his decision. At least you’ll know you had the courage to tell him the truth. Could you really live with yourself if you made any other choice? ~ ER Q:
My 19-year-old daughter, Jennifer, is a hardworking and successful
young woman with one bad habit: she spends money like there’s no tomorrow.
She attends college full time and also has a part-time job where she works
as many as 20 hours a week. Although she’s paid fairly well for her
entry-level position, she never has enough money to do what she wants to do
and buy what she wants to buy. As a result, she comes to her father and me
for money every week. Her father and I are divorced but we share the
expenses of Jennifer’s college and I think we’ve cooperated very well in
terms of presenting a united front to her in every issue except this one.
Jenn lives with me and isn't required to pay rent or provide support to the
household at all. We pay for all her tuition and her books and other school
expenses. When Jenn comes to me for money, I tell her she needs to budget
her money so she has enough for her fun activities and the expensive clothes
she likes to wear. But her father gives in and gives her money almost every
time she asks. This causes tension between me and Jenn because she says I’m
mean for not giving her money. I hate being the heavy and the
"mean" one in my daughter’s eyes. Am I being too strict with
her, or should I keep doing what I’m doing and just ignore the fact that
her father is undermining me? Q:
My seventeen-year-old granddaughter who I have raised since she was a
small child has confided in me that she is three months pregnant. I am just
devastated. I have raised her because her parents made very bad choices and
weren't able to care for her. I’ve always tried to raise her with good
values and to be careful about not making some of the same mistakes her
parents made. Abortion or adoption are not options for us. I will continue
to provide whatever support she needs, but she is talking about dropping out
of school and I just can’t bear the thought of that. She is not willing to
go away to a home for unwed mothers (are there such things anymore?) and
wants to go to work full-time to save money for when the baby comes. I think
that’s a very poor idea. Without even a high school education, what will
become of her or her child? Q:
My fourteen-year-old son is out-of-control. He’s using drugs, hostile
to everyone, and running with a crowd which really scares me. I have no
control over him. He sneaks out of the house in the middle of the night and
when I confront him, he curses at me. If I ground him, he laughs at me. I’ve
found pot in his room and he just shrugs. He’s in a special drop-out
diversion program in school which doesn't seem to be making a difference. I’ve
heard of those therapeutic wilderness programs and I’m wondering if that
would be good for him. I think he really needs to get away from here for a
while, to get away from the negative influences of his so-called friends. I
feel like I have to do something other than helplessly watch him go down the
drain. Q:
My daughter, "Jamie" is in her early 30’s. She has moved from
job to job to job since she left college half-way through her second year.
Her father and I are divorced, but we paid for her college expenses
together. We told her when she decided to quit college that, if she quit, we
wouldn't give her any more money. We did that because we both thought that a
college degree is very important in order to be a success these days. You
just can’t make it with a high school diploma anymore! My ex-husband has a
college degree and has never regretted putting in the time and effort it
took him to achieve this. Jamie recently came to us and said she wants to
attend a special photography program up north. She has dabbled in
photography in the past but we didn't think she had a great interest in it
until now. This program will take about two years for her to complete and
will cost over $20,000. Jamie doesn't have any money saved up and wants us
to pay for this program since we would have spent even more than that to
finish putting her through college. She says she’s certain that she wants
to make photography her career and says this is the best program out there.
My ex-husband and I are both retired now, and frankly it would be a great
hardship for us to come up with all this money. I’m inclined to tell her
we just can’t do it, but my ex-husband told her he would try to come up
with $10,000 if I would come up with the other half. Now Jamie is pressuring
me. I love my daughter but even if I could afford this program, I think she
should be responsible for herself at this stage in her life. Do you have any
advice? |